


In Between The Sidewalk Cracks (where you find the strongest flowers)

by iamliterallyahotpocket



Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: (and it goes well!), Coming Out, Gender Dysphoria, Im Youngjoon | Young J is a Sweethear, Jung Hyunjin | Ven is a Sweetheart, Kim Taeseok is a Sweetheart, Lee Minsung is a Sweetheart, Long Haired Moon Kyunghun, Moon Kyunghun Wears Makeup, Moon Kyunghun Wears Skirts, Non-Binary Moon Kyunghun, Non-binary character, Other, Self-Doubt, Supportive SA1NT, listen they all love kyunghun very very much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:20:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28141518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamliterallyahotpocket/pseuds/iamliterallyahotpocket
Summary: To many who look at SA1NT, Kyunghun's an enigma. After all, what kind of guy has a whole makeup vanity in their room, and occasionally wears skirts and dresses? What kind of guy collects purses and shoes, small closet overflowing with designer pieces?There are more than a few default responses to those kinds of questions in Kyunghun's mind, along with many others that can't be shared. Not yet, at least. It'd be so simple to say it, though.
Relationships: Im Youngjoon | Young J & Jung Hyunjin | Ven & Kim Taeseok & Lee Minsung & Moon Kyunghun, Moon Kyunghun & Im Youngjoon | Young J
Comments: 10
Kudos: 13





	In Between The Sidewalk Cracks (where you find the strongest flowers)

To many who look at SA1NT, Kyunghun's an enigma. After all, what kind of guy has a whole makeup vanity in their room, and occasionally wears skirts and dresses? What kind of guy collects purses and shoes, small closet overflowing with designer pieces?

There are more than a few default responses to those kinds of questions in Kyunghun's mind, along with many others that can't be shared. Not yet, at least. It'd be so simple to say it, though.

———

Kyunghun's not a guy. They've known for years, ever since their debut with SA1NT.

Things just didn't fit right in Kyunghun's mind. The term "boy group" couldn't refer to them, and most of the honorifics that were directed towards them never fit either.

Their hair was too short, cut by the stylists before debut into a short bowl cut. It was cute, sure, but Kyunghun just missed their swoopy side bangs more with each glance in the mirror.

The stage outfits were, if possible, the worst part. There were the school uniforms, men's, of course, and then there was the matching group outfit that Hyunjin so kindly referred to as the "high school football team" look: matching pastel varsity jackets and slightly questionable denim pants.

Kyunghun swore that if they were ever forced to look so aggressively male again they'd punch a mirror.

———

Really, that was the stick that broke the camel's back. They had to look less like.... _that_.

It started out small, little things that wouldn't immediately make people ask questions. Dangly earnings were the first thing Kyunghun bought. They thought it suited them to have more piercings, too. Then it was shirts and hoodies, plain ones from the women's section because "the colors look nicer, I'd like to have a pastel yellow hoodie." Then there was a jacket, a pair of sweatpants and then a pair of jeans.

When it was all hung in Kyunghun's closet, it was impossible to tell what clothing was from which section. And that was all that mattered to them. They knew what was "women's" and what was "men's" and no one else had to know. For a while, they were content with that.

———

Kyunghun had always loved getting their makeup done, even if it was always just the same light pinkish-brown eyeshadow and rosey lip tint.

The stylists always had other shades, rich browns and oranges and reds and pinks and lavenders that Kyunghun wanted to try so badly, to blend the soft pigments on their eyelids and swipe them across their cheeks. They wanted to look pretty.

So, on one of their rare free days, Kyunghun pulled on a hat and a mask and left SA1NT's dorm, headed for the mall. It's nice to just feel like a normal person for a bit.

Their hands jittered as they entered the beauty store, some voice in the back of their mind telling them that they don't belong there. Kyunghun payed it no attention, instead making a beeline for the display holding the exact same pallet SA1NT's makeup artists use on them and the rest of the group. Excitedly, they placed one in their basket, spotting more products the stylists use on them.

Kyunghun exited the store with a heavy bag and an emptier bank account, but they were still buzzing with excitement. The others wouldn't be getting back to the dorm until much later, meaning they'd have an hour or two to play around with their new makeup and-

they pause, feet frozen in place, staring at a poster in a storefront. It's of someone with choppy shoulder-length hair wearing a floral maxi skirt, an oversized t-shirt tucked into it and chunky platform sneakers on their feet.

_one day. not now, though. not safe now._

It was hard for Kyunghun to tear their eyes away. They managed to though, and, excitement somewhat diminished, headed home to find a hiding spot for their makeup.

———

To Kyunghun's surprise, the others were already home when they opened the door. Minsung smiled when he saw them walk into the entryway.

"Ah, Kyunghun-ah! We were wondering when you'd be getting home! If you want to help pick out what we're ordering for dinner, get over here soon, ok?"

"Sounds good, hyung. I'll be right there, let me go change."

"Hyungie, why've you got a makeup store bag?" Taeseok's staring at the logo on the black bag, puzzled.

Kyunghun fumbled for an excuse. "I... wanted to get the stuff the stylists use? So if they run out, I've got some with me."

Taeseok nodded, seemingly satisfied with Kyunghun's answer, but Minsung's stare lingered for just a while longer.

———

A makeup organizer appeared on Kyunghun's dresser a few days later. There wasn’t a note, and they didn't order it for themself, but Minsung poked his head in later that day and smiled when he saw Kyunghun's makeup starting to fill the small tower.

Hyunjin and Taeseok also popped in for a bit, begging for Kyunghun to do their makeup just for fun. The maknaes ended up with winged eyeliner and bright red lipstick and they thought it was the greatest thing ever.

Kyunghun laughed to themself when the youngest two ran off to show Minsung and Youngjoon.

_maybe i should do that. wear bolder makeup. fans of other groups seem to like it._

After all, their (now daily) makeup wasalways soft and muted and natural, enough that they'll feel more comfortable, more like themself, but that others won't notice too easily.

It's as much as they dared to do.

———

Kyunghun glanced at themself in the mirror and let out a shaking, nervous sigh. They'd tried something new with their makeup, the normal muted tones replaced with slightly brighter reddish shades. Their lipstick, too, was a blotted brick-red. It looked nice, and decidedly not normal for Kyunghun. Regardless, they sighed again, and opened their bedroom door.

The rest of SA1NT was sat eating breakfast, none of them drawing much, if any, attention to Kyunghun's arrival. After a minute or two, though, Hyunjin cleared his throat.

"I like your makeup today, Kyunnie-hyung. Did you get new eyeshadows?"

"Ah, thank you Hyunjin-ah. I didn't get anything new, these were in my normal pallet, and I decided to switch things up a bit."

Taeseok nodded appreciatively. "You're so good at makeup. You could be on of the makeup noonas, if you wanted to!" The youngest took a sip of his tea, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "Our lovely Kyunghun-noona?"

Hyunjin burst into laughter, and even Youngjoon smiled a bit. Kyunghun laughed too, but their brain was working overtime to try and comprehend the fact that _they didn't mind being called that._

Minsung cleared his throat. "Does that bother you at all, Kyunghun? We don't wanna make you uncomfortable at all."

Before they could think about it too much, Kyunghun shook their head. "No, I don't mind. I'm just flattered Seokkie thinks I'm as good at the makeup artists."

Hyunjin and Taeseok exchanged a look before giving exaggerated gasps of horror. "How can you think you're not good!"

"Yeaah, hyung, you're great at it! Better than any of us, at least. Seokkie's right, you could be one of the makeup artists!"

Kyunghun just rolled their eyes, smiling. "If you say so..."

———

Somehow, it became second nature for the younger members to refer to Kyunghun as "noona."

They weren’t complaining. It helped to balance out the pressure they felt to act overly masculine, it made them feel like themself for once.

And yet Kyunghun couldn’t help but feel like that's not normal. Like they aren't normal. It's a horrible feeling, like there's something wrong with them.

During the day, when they were surrounded by SA1NT, they didn’t often have thoughts like that. When they were alone, though, at night, it was hard not to think about it. About how they wished they had skirts to wear, about how they shouldn't want that because _you're a boy, damn it._

They've cried about it before. It was after a long day of comeback preparations, haircuts and new hair colors for most of the group.

Kyunghun's hair ended up as short as it was for debut and a dark reddish-brown. They hated it.

That night they couldn't sleep, just lying awake and daydreaming about one day having longer hair again and then crying because that could never happen. They could dream all they want, but there's no way the stylists would let them, no way the _company_ would let them.

It was nearly 2 when Kyunghun finally fell asleep. They woke up at 7, though, just the same as every morning.

When Minsung poked his head in, Kyunghun was still laying in bed and staring blankly at the wall. Sighing, Minsung carefully sat on the edge of the bed and combed his fingers through Kyunghun's hair.

"Are you feeling ok, Kyunnie? It's... not like you to... sleep in this late."

Kyunghun just shrugged. There was too much to explain, and they didn't have the energy.

"...is your hair bothering you? I was going to ask yesterday, but with everything going on I just-"

"I hate it."

It was silent for a moment, then two. Minsung kept running his fingers through Kyunghun's hair, damaged red strands clinging to his hand.

"Do you want me to talk to the stylists? I can ask them to let you keep your hair longer from now on."

"...that'd be nice."

"Alright. I'm talking to them later today, so I'll just bring it up then. The others are getting breakfast right now, and Taeseok keeps asking where his "favorite noona" is."

Kyunghun laughed quietly. "I should get up, shouldn't I."

"Probably," Minsung shrugged. "As long as you're at practice this afternoon, you're fine."

Minsung ruffled Kyunghun's hair one last time before quietly leaving the room.

———

Kyunghun barely looked up from their phone when Hyunjin poked his head through the doorway. The youngest two in the group, Hyunjin and Taeseok, would often drift into his room, and usually ask some question about skincare or makeup or hair- all things Kyunghun was, admittedly, good at.

This time, however, Hyunjin padded across the room and flopped onto the bed next to Kyunghun.

"Your hair looks better long, hyung. 'm glad the stylists let you grow it out."

"Same here. I think Minsung might have had something to do with it."

Hyunjin just nodded, peering up at Kyunghun's deep violet hair, all pulled back in a ponytail. "Can I braid your hair?"

Kyunghun laughed to themself. "Do you know how?"

"Aish, hyung, I've got a younger sister! You know this! How bad of a brother would I be if I couldn't braid hair?"

"Go ahead, then, Jinnie," Kyunghun said, waving their hand.

Excitedly, Hyunjin grabbed a hairbrush and some hair ties from the dresser and sat on a pillow behind the older. Both of them settled into a comfortable silence, Hyunjin gently pulling at Kyunghun's hair and Kyunghun scrolling through Instagram.

As usual, Kyunghun's room was peaceful, all crisp white furniture and light grey walls, with wide windows and billowy cream curtains. The plants lined up on their bookshelf swayed slightly in the quiet breeze of the tower fan in the corner. On one side of the room, their closet stood open, clothes neatly hung by color and shoes arranged on gold wire racks.

Hyunjin cleared his throat, disturbing the quiet of the room. "I've... been meaning to ask you this for a while now, but I never really got the chance to." He laughed nervously.

Kyunghun tensed up. _oh no he hates me the others hate me_

"Do you have... a preference at all between like... hyung or noona? I don't want to call you anything you aren't comfortable with."

Their shoulders relaxed , and Kyunghun let out a breath they didn't know they were holding. "Honestly, I'm fine with either. Taeseok calls me noona quite a bit, and you tend to call me hyung-"

"-it's habit!"

"I know, Hyunjin-ah, and I'm fine with both."

Hyunjin resumed braiding Kyunghun's hair, letting out a sigh of relief. "Ok, good, I was worried I was calling you the wrong thing and you just didn't want to say anything, and I really wasn't sure how to approach you about this and-"

The younger rambled for a while, and Kyunghun just sat and listened, a weight lifted off their shoulders.

_i really said it. huh._

Eventually Hyunjin looped a hair tie around Kyunghun's hair. "Well there you go, hy- noona? Or... wait-"

"Thank you, Jinnie." Kyunghun cleared their throat and looked at the ground, away from Hyunjin slowly sliding off the bed. "For the hair and for asking me. I appreciate it."

"Oh good! I was worried I'd just annoy you or something..."

"Aish, you could never annoy me. Minsung-hyung on the other hand-"

Hyunjin grinned, his usual mischievous expression. "Great idea! See you later, noona!"

Kyunghun laughed a bit, turning to look at themself in the mirror. The braid Hyunjin gave them wrapped elegantly around their head, almost like a crown.

Really, it makes them look quite pretty.

———

SA1NT got a week off after the last show of their tour, and Taeseok, ever the fashionista, insisted on dragging Kyunghun to go shopping with him. They're not someone who would turn down an offer like that, especially not from Taeseok.

Even in the somewhat-large department stores, it wasn'thard to find Taeseok, despite how short he was. After all, not many people have powder-blue hair.

It's something Kyunghun used to their advantage. They'd wait for the younger to drift off towards some display he was interested, and then go look at some clothing on the edges of the women's section: long, flowy dresses and pattered knee-length skirts, occasionally an interesting croptop, chunky-knit long cardigans.

They were good at it, good at spotting Taeseok headed their way from across the store, good at pretending to be interested in something else.

The younger always managed to find something for Kyunghun in every store. Sometimes it was just a lipstick in a shade Taeseok thought the older would like, or, in one store, a pair of sleek chelsea boots with thick soles and a slight heel. Kyunghun bought the boots without a second thought.

By the time they reached their last store for the day, Kyunghun was just a bit tired. Taeseok disappeared into the racks of clothing rather quickly and Kyunghun turned to the women's section yet again.

They got rather distracted flipping through the rack of flowy skirts, and didn't even notice someone approaching them.

"Ah, noona, I'm about to check out, but I found something for you!"

Kyunghun jumped a but, turning sharply to face Taeseok. The younger just smiled, and held out and elegantly jeweled hair clip.

"Oh, thank you... I, uh, I think I'll get that. Come one, we should check out, it's probably getting late."

If Taeseok noticed the edge of panic in Kyunghun's voice, he said nothing.

Kyunghun could only hope the younger didn't notice anything.

———

It was October, a week before Kyunghun's birthday. And the others had been acting off. Youngjoon and Taeseok kept whispering to each other about something on their phones, and Minsung had kept his bedroom door closed for a couple of days now. Even Hyunjin seemed to know something Kyunghun didn't, constantly asking them questions about face masks and hair products to pull them away from the others.

They knew it's not because the others hate them. Right?

It can't because they're too girly to really be part of a boy group, right?

It hurt to think about that, that SA1NT's a boy group, that Kyunghun just doesn't fit.

They knew why then, as well. They're non-binary, and they don't think they belong at all.

Kyunghun didn't like to think about it. It really hurt too much. It's why they were happy the others took it upon themselves to seemingly leave them alone.

And yet Minsung poked his head in their room one morning, a smile on his face. "Ah, good morning Kyunnie! We're setting something up really quick, so if you don't mind, could you wait for-"

"Sure thing, hyung. Let me know when I should come join you guys," Kyunghun said quickly.

"Oh- uh... alright then," Minsung laughed awkwardly. "It shouldn't take long!"

"Mhm."

Minsung hesitated at the door, seemingly on the verge of asking Kyunghun something. But he just turned and went to the living room.

Sighing, Kyunghun curled their knees up to their chest, staring at their reflection. Their face was still bare, long wavy purplish bangs hanging over their eyes.

They were honestly scared. Were they going to be asked to dress differently? Or worse, were they getting kicked out of the group?

Kyunghun let out a long, shuddering breath before standing to change out of their pajamas. They didn't have the energy to do much, just to pull on a hoodie- one that the others hadn't stolen yet- and black skinny jeans.

A few minutes later, Minsung came back to grab Kyunghun. He could see their hands fidgeting with the hem of their hoodie nervously.

The others sat at the table excitedly, anxiously waiting for Kyunghun to join them in the living room. When they did walk through the door, Kyunghun was confused.

"Good morning noona!" Taeseok was practically buzzing with energy, eyes flicking to Kyunghun and then the brightly colored bag on the table and then back to Kyunghun.

Frowning, Kyunghun pointed to the bag. “That’s... not for me, is it? My birthday isn’t for another week.”

“We figured this was... important enough that we should give it to you now. Instead of next week,” Minsung tried to explain, placing his hand on Kyunghun’s shoulder reassuringly. “Do you wanna open it later? We wouldn’t mind that at all.”

“...do you want me to open it now?”

Hyunjin nodded enthusiastically, and Taeseok joined him. Minsung and Youngjoon just glanced at each other for a second before shrugging.

“It’s up to you, Kyunnie. We’re fine with whatever makes you comfortable.”

_i guess they aren’t mad at me_

Kyunghun gave a sharp nod. “I’ll... open it now.” Carefully, they sat down in front of the bag, Minsung sitting beside them.

There were layers and layers of tissue paper in the bag when Kyunghun opened it. It was somewhat amusing to watch the small pile of white paper grow and grow, but eventually they reached a light bundle wrapped in tissue paper.

As they pushed the paper aside and unwrapped the bundle, soft, floaty fabric fell into their hands.

Kyunghun held it up for a second. It was the same skirt Taeseok had caught them looking at, with long gauzy layers of floral fabric.

Taeseok stares nervously at Kyunghun. “Do you like it?”

They could only manage to nod before tears started to roll down their face.

“Oh, Kyunnie, come here.” Minsung pulled Kyunghun into a tight hug, tucking their face into his shoulder. Youngjoon, Hyunjin, and Taeseok soon joined in, all holding Kyunghun in the middle of their group hug.

Hyunjin’s voice was muffled, his head pressed against Kyunghun’s back. “We all love you, hyung. No matter what.” The others gave a small chorus of agreements.

It was quiet for a while, everyone crowded around Kyunghun and hugging them and patting their hair. Finally, they sighed, mumbling into Minsung’s shoulder, “What if I’m... non-binary...”

“You’re our Kyunghun, just the way you are,” Youngjoon replied quietly.

For the first time in a while, Kyunghun felt safe.

———

“Kyunghun-ah? Can I come in?”

Youngjoon poked his head through the door, biting his lip.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

Kyunghun set their phone down, letting Youngjoon crash into their arms. His hair, as always, smelled like peaches, and Kyunghun could tell he was holding something.

“I... meant to give this to you earlier. We were all just kinda...”

Kyunghun laughed. “Excited? You all wanted to see me wear the skirt.”

“‘cause you’re pretty...” Youngjoon pouted. “I want to give this to you now, though!” Carefully, Youngjoon sat up a bit and poked something through Kyunghun’s ponytail. “I wasn’t really sure this was the right flag... but now I know it is!”

They pulled the small flag out of their hair, the quad-colored stripes waving in the soft breeze from their tower fan.

“Joonie... thank you.” Kyunghun buried their nose in Youngjoon’s hair, hugging him tightly.

“Of course! I wanted to make sure you’re comfortable with us.”

———

Even though they knew they could never fully come out, Kyunghun was happy. Really, truly happy. They got to live as themself, exactly how they wanted to.

And sure, they had to keep their flag carefully hung in the back of the closet, but they could wear what they wanted, whether it was makeup or skirts or heels or fancy hair accessories. They could look as androgynous as they wanted, and SA1NT- their friends and biggest supporters- would always be there to hype them up.

Kyunghun was more than content with their life. And that was all they could ask for.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> To all my fellow non-binary and gender-non-conforming friends: you’re so valid! Whether you chose to present androgynously, femininely, or masculinely, you are valid and i love you ❤️
> 
> I hope you have a great holiday season, and that you feel like the best version of yourself throughout this break! 
> 
> Remember to stay safe, wear your mask, and wash your hands! 
> 
> I love you ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍🤎


End file.
